Tricks, Pranks and Dye
by CrystalXanadu
Summary: Heavy Gear fic. Someone in the Dragon’s base is playing tricks - and it soon turns into a full-scale prank war!


Tricks, Pranks and Dye  
  
by Bluestar  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own HG. Never did, never will.  
  
* * *  
  
It loomed before him, striking terror into his heart. Terrible creaking noises emitted from it, the sounds of metal clashing against metal coming from deep within it. Across the floor, creeping towards him, a sluggish tide of opaque whiteness dripped from its base.  
  
"Yo, Marco. You finished fixing the washing machine yet?"  
  
"I'm on it, Zerve." The resident boy genius frowned as soapsuds poured over the basement floor. He could face Wallis, Mega Gears and even energy- sucking aliens without panicking, but when confronted with a gigantic broken-down washing machine . . . well, that worried him. Especially when the washing machine in question held all the Dragon's dirty clothes.  
  
Something inside the machine gave a loud clang, and Marcus resigned himself to having to get across the floor to switch it off. He stepped onto the slick floor, and immediately rediscovered that soap was extremely slippery. Sliding about like a first-time ice skater, he was covered in suds by the time he reached the massive door.  
  
CLUNK.  
  
The door smashed open, spitting out a wave of water and wet clothes. It slammed into Marcus, carrying him across the room and all the way to the bottom of the stairs.  
  
"Hey, kid. You ok down there?" called Dirx, edging down the stairs.  
  
Marcus coughed up some soapy water, and realised that he was draped in the clothes that had formerly been in the washing machine. He said the first thing that came to mind. "Hey, who wears rainbow-coloured boxers?"  
  
* * *  
  
A couple of days later, the mess from the washing machine had finally been cleaned up. In the dark night, a shadowy figure slunk silently down the corridor. He had to move quietly as possible, so that he would not wake anyone. Pausing outside the bathroom door, he glanced quickly about before slipping inside. Removing something from his pocket, he replaced the original with it and slunk away.  
  
* * *  
  
The next morning, the Dragons were sat in their common room watching the morning news broadcast on trideo. Almost everyone was in a good mood. All except Dirx, who had lost a five-round TriDuel game to Zerve the night before, and had overslept.  
  
Dirx now entered the room with his morning cereal and sat down hard on his favourite chair.  
  
"Yo, Dirxy, you still want that rematch?" Zerve asked lazily. And almost choked when Dirx turned towards him to reply. "Man what have you done to your teeth?"  
  
"What's wrong with my teeth?" asked Dirx. By now, the rest of the Dragons had turned around to take a look.  
  
"Dirxy, I hate to break it to you, but did you switch brands of toothpaste?" Marcus asked. "Because you really should look in a mirror."  
  
Dirx glared at the Dragons, then stomped out to find a mirror. A few minutes later, the waiting Dragons heard an infuriated Dirx yell, "OK, who put green dye in my toothpaste?!"  
  
* * *  
  
Despite repeated brushing with a new tube of toothpaste, the green stain still showed up vividly on Dirx's teeth by the time practice began.  
  
"I've heard of green fingers, Dirxy, but I've never heard of green teeth," Sonja remarked as they emerged into the training yard.  
  
"Oh yeah? I'd like to see you do better." Dirx was feeling decidedly grumpy by now.  
  
Sonja grinned. "Next time you should check before you use anything, like me. You gotta get up early to fool me." So saying, she fired her autocannon at the target on the other side of the yard, then stared in disbelief at it.  
  
"As my grandfather once said; there's always someone who gets up earlier than you do," Tachi said, trying not to laugh as Sonja's astonishment with the 'Bang!' flag protruding from the barrel of her autocannon.  
  
"Alright, who switched my autocannon?" Sonja demanded. The perpetrator merely grinned.  
  
* * *  
  
The practice session had been over for several hours when a clatter in the Gear hangar alerted Zerve and Sebastian to the fact that someone was in there. However, when they reached the scene of the crime, McCavity wasn't there.  
  
(The author apologises for indulging a whim, and will now continue with the proper story.)  
  
However, when they reached the hangar, it was empty except for their Gears. Massive, colourful and immobile, they stood like the statues that lined ancient Egypt's walkways. Though the metaphor would have been lost on most Terranovans, there was one other slight problem with it. It is highly unlikely that ancient Egyptians ever painted moustaches and spectacles onto any of their statues in white paint.  
  
When confronted with a Warhawk adorned with said features, Sebastian merely lifted an eyebrow. "I suspect that someone has been up to no good, as it is said."  
  
"Hey, moonbeam. Something wrong with the Gears?" asked Dirx's familiar voice from behind them.  
  
"Well, if it isn't Mr. Green Teeth," Zerve joked. "Man, you should really see what someone did to the big guy's Gear!"  
  
Dirx looked up, and his eyes widened slightly at the sight of the King Cobra decked out in such a ridiculous manner. "I'll go get the others."  
  
As Dirx turned around, the other two Dragons caught sight of a smear of fresh white paint on his right elbow.  
  
"I think that Dirxy has been up to no good, man," Zerve said significantly after Dirx had disappeared.  
  
"I suspect that you are right."  
  
The two waited until Dirx, who by that time he had managed to change into a clean uniform, had arrived with the other three pilots. Their initial reactions were simultaneous, expressions of stunned amazement followed by unsuccessfully concealed amusement.  
  
"Ok, guys," Marcus finally said. "Own up. Who's been playing pranks around here?"  
  
For a moment, there was silence.  
  
"Ah, it was just a bit of fun," Dirx said finally. "I found the paint in storage."  
  
"Whoa, man," Zerve said in amazement. "You pulled all those tricks?"  
  
"No, no all of them. Just this one," Dirx insisted. "I still want to know who switched my toothpaste!"  
  
"As my great-aunt used to say, " Tachi mentioned, "you must learn to laugh at yourself."  
  
The Dragons turned to stare at Tachi. "You turned Dirx's teeth green?" Marcus asked in astonishment.  
  
"Had it not been for the person who caused the washing machine to overload, I would not have thought of it," Tachi admitted.  
  
"So we have me to blame for these practical jokes?" Zerve asked.  
  
"You . . ." Words failed Marcus. "I thought it was Sonja!"  
  
"Oho, so you're the one who switched my autocannon? I should have guessed," Sonja said.  
  
"Okay, okay," Marcus said defensively. "It was a bad idea. I'm sorry."  
  
Sonja's eyes lighted as an idea unfurled. "Hey, maybe not. I want some of my own back." She turned to the assembled Dragons. "What d'you all say to a prank war?"  
  
Various noises of agreement came from everyone but Sebastian, who merely looked confused. "What is a 'prank war?'"  
  
Dirx, surprisingly enough, explained. "It's where two or more people play tricks on each other. The idea is for every prank to be a surprise. Hey, it might even do you some good, big guy. You need to loosen up."  
  
Sebastian nodded uncertainly. "Very well, then."  
  
* * *  
  
On the other side of the planet, a Vanguard pilot named Yoji Kirakowa had been up all night working on a special project. Now, as she tried to conceal a yawn, she fiddled with the tuning controls on a trideo screen. "This will give us a perfect look-in on the Dragons, sir," she said to Major Wallis. There was no hint of exhaustion in her crisp voice.  
  
The picture suddenly cleared, giving them an interior view of the Dragon's hangar. It was empty of human presence.  
  
"Excellent work, Yoji," the Major said approvingly. "Record all views, and tell me if you find anything useful." He strode out of the room, leaving her to hook up the monitors. Soon the multiple screens were showing live footage of every angle of the Dragons' base from the Dragons' own security cameras. Apparently, the Dragons were all lounging around in their common room. The cameras didn't transmit sound but she could see they were all eyeing each other warily. A conversation appeared to be going on.  
  
* * *  
  
"Aw, c'mon, man, you can't prove it was me!" Zerve protested. "Just because I happened to have access to the intercom . . ."  
  
"Who else could it be?" Dirx asked sourly. Half an hour ago, the entire base had been entertained by the sound of Dirx singing in the shower, and now everywhere he went he was greeted by a rendition of that same song.  
  
"Sebastian?"  
  
Marcus was suddenly afflicted by a bout of some respiratory ailment and fled from the room.  
  
"I fail to see the humour in the situation," the big GREL informed his teammates, a rare smile twitching at the edges of his mouth.  
  
Tachi grinned. "I disagree. Personally, I think it was pure genius."  
  
This only had the effect of bringing Dirx's wrath on Tachi too. "And someone must have helped him. Moonbeam couldn't programme a trideo recorder without help!"  
  
Whatever Marcus had must have been contagious, because both Sonja and Sebastian suddenly developed coughing fits and retreated after the Dragon Leader.  
  
Zerve and Tachi exchanged looks and came to a mutual conclusion. "As Sebastian would say . . . I believe it is time we 'legged it', as it is said," Tachi commented calmly.  
  
A few second later, the room was empty. Other cameras showed the erstwhile Gear pilots dashing through the corridors of the base with an irate Dirx hard on their heels.  
  
* * *  
  
"You!" Major Wallis accosted a passing Northern tech as he looked over the Vanguard's hangar. "Where is my team?"  
  
"I don't know, sir!" the startled tech said, wondering why the Major looked so aggravated. She looked around, but the only ones in sight were the other techs. A few were coming closer to see what the Major wanted.  
  
"Have you any idea of where they might be?" Wallis demanded of the tech, oblivious to anything but the answer.  
  
"I think someone said they were in the monitoring room, sir," volunteered a nearby tech. Wallis started slightly, then turned and stalked towards the room from which they could watch the Dragons.  
  
"I wouldn't like to be the Vanguard when the Major catches up with them," said the first tech. Her companions nodded agreement.  
  
* * *  
  
When Wallis quietly opened the door to the monitoring room, the first thing he saw in the darkened room was the many trideo screens, each tracking one of the Dragons. The second was his team lounging on the five-seater sofa that he recognised as having been formerly from the Vanguard common room.  
  
On one screen, Sonja sneaked out of a room. Yoji cheered triumphantly. "I win! Hey, guys, pay up."  
  
The other three handed over a handful of marks each - grudgingly, in Rank's case.  
  
"What is going on here?" Wallis asked sharply.  
  
"The Dragons seem to be having a prank war, sir," Yoji reported, looking over briefly at her commanding officer and then back at the screen.  
  
"That was not what I asked," Wallis said, gritting his teeth.  
  
For a moment, none of the Vanguard pilots responded. Then Serge spoke up.  
  
"I don't know about the rest of them, sir, but my money's on the GREL."  
  
Wallis sighed and sat down on the spare seat. "What are the bets?"  
  
* * *  
  
As Marcus quietly replaced the sugar in the mess hall with salt, the intercom speaker crackled to life above his head. Fully expecting another rendition of "Singin' In The Shower", he paid little attention. However, instead of Dirx's off-key singing, he heard Creet's voice instead.  
  
"Dragons, report AT ONCE to my office. That includes Conn and the kid."  
  
* * *  
  
When the Dragons reached Creet's office, all were fully expecting a thorough dressing down. Instead, they stared in puzzlement at six brightly coloured plastic toy guns.  
  
When Zerve, the last one through the door, had entered, Creet explained.  
  
"These are fully loaded water soakers. If you're going to act like children, you may as well fight it out that way."  
  
The Dragons exchanged startled looks. Creet had missed the point, but who was going to complain? This was going to be fun . . .  
  
* * *  
  
"Dirx! Over here," Marcus yelled from behind his Gear. Dirx turned automatically, only to get hit by the full blast of the hose the techs used to wash down the Gears.  
  
"Uncool, man," Zerve remonstrated, spraying Marcus with his water gun. Marcus saw Zerve's eyes flick behind him. Marcus turned to see what was going on behind him, just as Dirx had a few seconds earlier. He had not expected to see blue form of Sebastian carrying a large bucket right behind him.  
  
Sebastian, without any change in expression, dumped the bucket over Marcus. "Hey!" Marcus protested wetly.  
  
"Don't worry about it, man. It's all good, clean fun," Zerve advised.  
  
The Dragons groaned in unison.  
  
* * *  
  
The Dragons have never been much for base security, and this was all the more apparent as the hacked security cameras were still broadcasting to the Vanguard. The Northern team watched in disbelief as Tachi ambushed Sebastian around one corner, the samurai spraying the big GREL with water. The supersoldier merely turned back and fired a jet of water at his already damp teammate.  
  
"So these are the Dragon's deadly new tactics?" asked Yoji of no-one in particular, fascinated by the rival squad's onscreen antics.  
  
"So it would appear, Yoji," Wallis said, equally intrigued.  
  
"Maybe they're trying to make us laugh so hard we forget to fight," Serge suggested, watching as Zerve and Sonja soaked Marcus from both sides at once.  
  
Yoji shot him a quick glance to make sure he was joking, then let out a short bark of laughter.  
  
On screen, the Dragons were running around as if they had reverted to childhood, happily spraying everything in their paths with their water guns.  
  
* * *  
  
Author's Note: The Vanguard usually come across as a fairly cheerless bunch. I wanted to explore how they'd react to a completely bizarre situation. Major Wallis surprised me, though! 


End file.
